Teh Mario Gaem
by Someone Else Entirely
Summary: What is seemingly a fairly standard day for our average Mario turns into an agreement on Bowser's terms to stop stealing Princesses - but will he really keep his word?
1. Teh Prologue

**Author: **Haven't touched my account in, ooh months, years maybe. I'd completely forgotten whether I actually posted the original of this or not - so I rewrote it. This successes the older Mario fanfiction which I think I wrote when I was 12 - haha. Whenever I read it I cringe at it's awful crudeness. I also successes the previous version of Teh Mario Gaem, which in my opinion doesn't hold a candle to this edition. I also have another unposted Mario fanfic, but it sucked and was entirely based around internet memes so I'm guessing half the people here would have no idea what anything meant.

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**Teh Mario Gaem!**

Teh Prologue: _Let's go Mario!_

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_It was a perfectly ordinary morning. Yep. Nothing to do but sleep in. Gotta love those weekends. Unfortunately, that wasn't Mario's ordinary morning we were talking about. Nope, nosiree. Mario rolled over in his bed, sadly remembering what he does on an ordinary day._

"No! I don't want to go out rescuing princesses today!" he rolled back over with his face in his pillow, trying to ignore Luigi tugging at the sheets and generally being an asshole.

Luigi thought of an excuse on the fly. "But... uhh... you won't get any... pasta?"

"W-what? NO PASTA? DEAR LORD NO, I would rather be subjected to the torture that is educational Mario than miss out on pasta!"

Mario hopped out of bed in one swift motion, jumping right into his overalls, grabbing his hammer and a spare super mushroom and eating breakfast on the fly. He then ran outside, shoving Parakarry out of the way in the process, who unfortunately fell into a spiky bush and yelled "Ouch, my organs!".

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_It was a perfectly ordinary and dreary morning. Yep. Just laze around in a throne all day with nothing to do. Love those weekends. But this is King Bowser we're talking about here, and nothing isn't what Bowser does on a normal day._

"Jesus christ, Mario's going to be here in a couple of minutes. Kamek! Get your ass over to the front door, and order some minions around like you're doing something! I expect this to be a fairly standard get-my-ass-kicked-by-Mario session!" Bowser barked at Kamek, but it was the entire castle and not just Kamek that heard.

Kamek bowed. "Yes, your awesomeness. I'll get on that right away. And don't forget your dentist appointment at 3 PM, Mario probably knocked out a few teeth last visit." Kamek paused. "Wait, what's with the doggy voice?"

"The author made me do it. 'Bowser barked at Kamek' apparently. Anyway, make sure the Princess is ready, because she's got to be out in the open so that Mario can beat me up and snatch her back in a single swoop, ending a fairly standard get-my-ass-kicked-by-Mario session!"

Bowser hopped up from his throne and prepared for the oncoming get-my-ass-kicked-by-Mario misadventure.

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Mario pounded on the front door.

"Open up Bowser, I don't have time for crap so I want to get this over and done with!" and Mario pounded harder.

"Yes, alright, just let me unlock the front door - " but Kamek was cut short as the door fell apart and crushed him under its weight.

"Eh? Where the hell did you go, Kamek? Oh well, less pounding to do." and Mario stepped over the fallen door, causing Kamek to groan in pain.

So a fairly standard Mario level began, as Mario crushed and pounded Goombas and Koopas with a hammer. Brushing his head against a miraculously floating block, he recieved a flower that could miraculously give him fireball-shooting powers. So with his newfound powers he proceeded to own more Goombas and Koopas faster and more efficiently. He approached the throne, and Bowser appeared as from nowhere! As if you could see that one coming, ha!

"Wow, I totally didn't see that one coming. You've been practicing!" and Mario clapped, before remembering why he was here.

"Yeah, it was pretty cool huh? Anyway... uhh... oh yeah, I HAVE YOUR PRINCESS! HAHA!" and Bowser pulled a lever that also seemed to appear as from nowhere, and the Princess was lowered down by chain from the ceiling which wasn't even there and instead was a big black void of darkness.

Mario looked up, and kept looking up. He was a bit preoccupied with something else apart from the fairly standard Bowser-gets-his-assed-kicked-by-Mario session.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?" growled Bowser. "Fight me already, I want to get this fairly standard get-my-ass-kicked-by-Mario session over!"

Bowser stepped forward and brushed Mario aside. He stood where Mario once stood and looked up.

Bowser's expression of impatience turned into an expression of understanding. "Oh. That's what you were looking at. Yeah, I'd totally tap that. Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, the fight. Fight me you coward!"

Peach looked shocked. "You're both goddamned perverts, looking up my dress like that!".

And so, the fight began. It was a fairly standard Mario-ass-kicking session, after all. Mario pounded bowser with his hammer, swung him by his tail, used his miraculous fireball-throwing powers, punched him in the face - all manner of painful and humiliating attacks.

"Agh! My friggin' internal organs! I am bruised eternally! Foiled again!" and Bowser released the Princess.

"Well, I'm glad I'm free now. Speaking of which..." and she slapped Mario across the face.

"I - err, OBJECTION! Bowser did it too!" Mario stopped a second and looked at the groaning Bowser, bruised all over. "On second thought, never mind that. A fine ass-kicking it was."

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**The End, for now.**

_To be continued..._

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**Author: **Yeah, a fairly standard get-my-ass-kicked-by-Mario session. More coming when I get around to it, which is probably never because I'm too lazy to work on anything for more than a few minutes. Well, here's hoping I don't lapse into another period of inactivity to the point where I can actually write the next chapter.


	2. Chapter Teh First

**Author: **Well this is an unlikely situation. I actually got my ass around to writing another chapter, but only because I couldn't get my internet connection working for an entire day so I had nothing to do but write this and play Phantasy Star Online - offline.

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**Teh Mario Gaem!**

Chapter Teh First: _Non-standard meeting_

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_Ah, the marvels that is storytelling via text. Since the beggining of time man has been pushing buttons on the very keyboard you sit in front of today. Well, not literally __your__ very keyboard. But something quite similar. Wait, what does this have to do with anything? Mario was hopping along the pathway of awesomeness when all of a sudden, Bowser hopped out as from nowhere!_

"Jesus christ Bowser, I almost had a heart attack!" as Mario clutched the place where his heart would be if it were protruding out of his chest.

"Well, that was the idea. No wait... oh yeah, I was gonna say something. Uhh... look, I don't really enjoy this whole fairly standard daily routine anymore, and I'm thinking perhaps we can drop it and you can keep the Princess. After all, there's always Daisy."

Mario was surprised to see Bowser having a fairly intelligent conversation. So Mario agreed.

"That's great! I get to laze around all day doing nothing! No more rescuing Princesses!" and Mario punched his fist into the air like he would had he been in a fighting game and were performing an uppercut of mass pain and destruction.

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Mario was lazing around the house, doing nothing. He was making no progress to do anything and was procrastinating fixing a floorboard which happened to have come loose one Sunday morning. He was extremely bored, nearing a state of rigor mortis.

"Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to agree..." he mumbled to himself.

Just then, the roof collapsed, and splintered wood flew everywhere. Bowser, riding in his Clown Copter with the Princess as hostage snarled.

"Haha! Bet you didn't see that one coming you incomprehensibly incompetent buffoon!" and Bowser snarled some more.

"Oh, you've been reading a dictionary now? Wait, I thought we agreed you wouldn't steal the Princess anymore!" said Mario, shaking his fist. Sadly, not even a fist shaking worthy of the man with the orange pants could bring Bowser to his senses.

"That was simply a clever ruse, almost entirely ruined by the fact that I must brag about everything to the point where I actually reveal that I have stolen the Princess to you rather than leaving quietly with little fuss!" and Bowser snarled one last time.

Luigi appeared as from nowhere, no doubt from his hidden chamber under the main bedroom to either write in his diary or fap over porn. Unfortunately, he had done the latter.

"What the hell is going on here? Didn't you two agree on not doing this whole standard routine of steal and rescue Princess? Wait, how do I even know that? I was never told!" said Luigi, astounded at his own random knowledge.

"Hah! A clever ruse it was, and I fooled the both of you! Even though Luigi was never told in the first place! Not even the strength of over 9000 laser beams could save you now!" and Bowser's Clown Copter wandered off into the horizon, presumably to some random new hideout Bowser had constructed as from nowhere.

Mario watched him go.

"Well, I guess that means another fairly standard Mario adventure. At least now I have something to do for the next few weeks." and Mario wandered off. Luigi spoke to himself.

"Well, I guess that's another fairly standard adventure to Mario. While I sit at home. Watching the house. Because apparently it needs watching." and Luigi returned to his secret room, presumably to... erm, write in his diary.

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**The End, for now.**

_To be continued..._

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**Author: **Yeah it's shorter than the prologue. I finished this without any internet so I couldn't post the prologue, so you get two whole chapters to read.


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